Just Jokes

A machine-learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll ya have?”. The algorithm replies “What’s everyone else having?”

Ha. Good one.

July and Julie each look like how the other should sound.

A sadist is a person who is nice to a masochist.

And the masochist likes it?

Q: Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?




A: Donald Trump has never paid to have a garbanzo bean in his face.

The Secret Service had to change procedures for this president. They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now they have to say "Donald! Duck!"

I drink two quarts of brake fluid every day... I know I shouldn’t but I can’t stop.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.

He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute! She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check for everything."

There was a version of that many years ago where at the grave-side, the guy's friends were outdoing each other by throwing bigger and bigger bills into the grave. Until it was the Jewish guy's turn.

A young woman woke up and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace on a gold chain as a present for no reason. What do you think it means?"

"You'll find out tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it.

It was a book entitled, "The Interpretation of Dreams For Dummies."

I was goofin' with Mrs NoCo last night. Our new house has a big lot (for this area, 3/4 acre) and I was telling her we should become self-sufficient. I said we could put in huge raised vegetable gardens, fruit trees...

"Hell," I said, "we should bring in some cattle and pigs and chickens, raise our own meat."

"You can't," she replied. "Farm animals are prohibited by the HOA." (True)

"Well then," I quipped, "We'll raise our own tofu. We'll get a flock of tofurkeys."

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework one day she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Michael got home, he went up to his dad and asked what it is. His dad thought for a while and answered:

"Look at it this way: I'm the prime minister, your mother is parliament, your maid is the work force, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future."

"I still don't get it," responded Michael.

"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better in the morning."

"Okay then," said Michael and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night he was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his crib and found that he had taken a crap in his diaper. So Michael went to his parents' bedroom to get help. When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mum snoring loudly, but his dad wasn't there.

So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with the maid. Michael was surprised, but then he just realized something and thought aloud:

"Oh, now I understand the government. The prime minister is screwing the work force, parliament is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

As long as we're dragging out ancient old jokes...

The Mother Superior assigns two novice nuns the task of painting her residence in the convent. As they have no painter's overalls they decide to slip out of their habits, to avoid getting paint on them. After a half hour there's a knock at the door.

Startled, one of the nuns asks timidly, "Uh, who is it?"

"Blind man," comes the reply.

Satisfied that their modesty won't be compromised, they open the door to him.

"Hey, nice tits," says the man. "Now where do I measure for the new blinds?"

Very subtle joke. Took a lot of thought before I realized I had heard it before.

This one's a veritable "build your own joke bar."

Not exactly a joke, actually a true story. Sir Douglas Bader was an RAF hero of WWII, flying a Spitfire despite having lost both legs in a plane crash a few years before the war started. After the war, he was giving a speech at an up-market girl's school, about his time as a pilot.

"So there were two of the fuckers behind me, three fuckers to my right, another fucker on the left". The headmistress went pale, and interjected: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft!". Sir Douglas replied "Maybe so, madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmitts".

Married couple Layla and Keith are sitting quietly in bed reading when Layla looks over at Keith and asks the question.

Layla: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

Keith: “Of course not!”

Layla: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

Keith: “Of course I do.”

Layla: “Then why wouldn’t you get married again?”

Keith: “Okay woman alright, I’d get married again.”

Layla: “You would?”

She looks with pain and her husband makes audible groan.

Layla: “Would you live in our house?”

Keith: “Yeah, it’s a huge house.”

Layla: “Would you sleep with new bride in our bed?”

Keith: “Where else would we sleep?”

Layla: “Would you let her drive my sweet car?”

Keith: “Possible, it is almost new.”

Layla: “Would you replace my photographs with hers?”

Keith: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

Layla: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

Keith: “No I don’t think so, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

Layla: “Would she use my lofters?”

Keith: “No, she’s left-handed.”

Layla: — silence-

Keith: “What..Ahh Shit.”

Sometimes we seniors don't understand directions…

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swirled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there!

Urine isn't that nasty. Really, it isn't.

But I laughed.

NoCoPilot wrote:

Urine isn't that nasty.  Really, it isn't.

I won't ask how you know that. And I would prefer that you not volunteer the information.

Friend of mine at lunch today was regaling me with stories of all the things his puppy had chewed up. Including all the buttons off his dress shirts.

Luckily, his girlfriend knows how to sew on buttons.

I said, "A woman is good for stuff like that: companionship, and buttonholing."

He looked at me strangely. "She isn't THAT wild."

His bad luck.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm here to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is our most exclusive lady, she only see clients by appointment, and she's booked for months in advance", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared behind the madam and, to discourage him, announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars in cash and gave it to the madam.  Valerie had no choice but to go upstairs with him. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.  The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row for Valerie.  "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, and went upstairs with Valerie. After an hour, he left again.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid and went upstairs with Valerie. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Am I really that good?"

"Yes," replied the man.  "You were excellent."

Valerie smiled at her new regular client. "Tell me a little about yourself.  Where are you from?"

"New Brunswick," the man replied.

"What a coincidence," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick, though I am somewhat estranged from them at present."

"Yes I know." said the man. "Your mother died, and I was her attorney.  The will instructed me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."



The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer