Just Jokes

A Dead Duck and a Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Bob walked into the clubhouse bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $50 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $50 to Bob saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 P.M. news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, ? So did I, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank, the midget."

Four engineers are commuting to a university when suddenly their car dies. They get out and pop the hood. Even though they are experts in their fields, none of them have ever worked on a car. The mechanical engineer looks at the engine and says "well I better check the belts, wheels, and other moving parts." The chemical engineer says "I will check the fuel and other fluids." The electrical engineer says "I will check the wires, battery and spark plugs."

While they are working, the computer engineer comes up and says "Guys, all we need to do is close all the windows and then restart the car..."

On that note ---

How many software engineers does it take to to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

<bada bing>

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

The woman replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," she replied. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The man is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," He blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I built a little still. How would you like a 151 Rum Mai Tai?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing after all his time alone. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a golf course?!"

Okay, I'm baffled. Intrigued, but baffled.

One hint: Art Movement (picture 8 )

Yeah, I recognized the Duchamps Mona Lisa, but the rest looked like junior high decoupage.  Dada was rarely highly accomplished, maybe those are "name" pieces too, I dunno.

What songs have "Duchamps" in the lyrics?

Okay, #3 is Blumenfeld and #4 is Heartfield, so the rest are probably known works of "art" too. More fool me.

#8 is Hausmann.

I didn't expect this to be difficult. You're trying too hard.
Just identify the pictures:

dada dada dada dada
dada dada dada dada
Batman!

<Groan!>

Yeah.

You need to contribute to a charity after that.

A nurse comes in to see a patient, takes out his chart, and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

"Dag nabbit," she says, "some asshole's got my pen again."

A group of nuns was touring a hospital. In the first room they peeked into, a man was furiously masturbating. "That's disgusting!" one of them exclaims.

"Not really," says the hospital administrator, "that man has a rare condition where he produces too much semen. If he doesn't release it at least four times a day his testicles will explode."

The next room they open has a nurse down on her knees, giving a different patient a blowjob. "What is this?!?" cries the same nun. "What kind of hospital are you running here?"

"Ah, sister," the administrator explains, "this man, unfortunately, has the same condition as the last man."

"But he has a better health plan."

Q: Why was Spock on his knees in front of the toilet?


A: He was looking for the Captain's Log.

Did you hear about the man who had to go to the hospital after walking through a screen door? He strained himself.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just two. But how they got IN the bulb is beyond me!

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?


None - it's a hardware problem.

Q. How many Dada artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Refrigerator.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "Lady, that's the UGLIEST baby that I've ever seen!" The woman shrugs, goes down the aisle of the bus and sits down, fuming.

The man next to her asks, "What's wrong?" She replies, "That damn bus driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "That's terrible. If I were you I'd march right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."