Just Jokes

Little Johnny Jokes #86:
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Little Johnny Jokes #18:
Johnny's class was describing their weekends.  When it came Johnny's turn, he said, "My daddy was shoeing a horse, and it kicked him right in the ass!"

"Johnny," the teacher gently reminded him, "we don't say 'ass,' that's a rude word.  Why don't you say 'rectum' instead."

"Rectum?" Johnny exclaimed.  "It fuck-near KILLED him!"

Little Johnny. Welcome to 1954.

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" – "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."

I was standing at the ATM making a withdrawal when a little old lady came up to me and asked if I could help her check her balance. So I gave her a little shove.

You're a cruel man, NoCo.
Funny. But cruel.

A football fan who didn't have much money managed to score a ticket to the Superbowl. He was thrilled to finally get to see the big game, but when he got to the stadium, his seat wasn't so great. Not terrible, but he wished it was a bit better. Then he noticed an empty seat that looked pretty good - closer to the field, closer to the 50-yard line, etc. So he tried to get to that seat, and managed not to get spotted by anybody official. He asked the guy sitting in the neighboring seat if this one was available, and did he mind.

"Not at all. You see, my wife and I always used to come to the Superbowl together, but she passed away. This is her seat, and you might as well use it, otherwise it will go to waste."

"Wow! Thank you very much. But these are such great seats! Did you not have a friend or relative who could come with you?"

"No. They're all at the funeral."

The old-timer leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
made love? It was over fifty years ago. We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "of course I remember it well. How could I forget?"

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again for old time's
sake and we can do it again, just like we used to?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea -- but good one, let's try it!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation and,
having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two cute
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that day.

After several minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet, put their clothes back on and grab their canes. The
policeman, still watching, thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he nods to them and says, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must have a fantastic sex life together to still get that
animated after 50 years. What's your secret?"

Still shaking uncontrollably, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago
that wasn't an electric fence!!!!"

Today's Car Talk Lame Joke:

A man was driving along the California coast when he saw a police car in his rearview mirror, signaling for him to pull over. He promptly pulled off the road. When the officer reached his window, he politely asked, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you $5,000 as part of our Safe Driver Award campaign. Congratulations. Now what do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll finally go get my driver's license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him- he's a smarty pants when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "You guys with your big mouths! I told you we wouldn't make it very far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

One from Facebook.

A politician dies and has to spend one day in hell

A retiree was asked if he had a job.

"Yes," he replied, "I am my wife's on-call sexual advisor."

When asked what he meant by that, he said "My wife told me when wants my fucking advice, she will ask for it."

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually, the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with an envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested to take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied:
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
"I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall!"

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. So, while one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what is going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

The first man replied, "Well, we work for the government and we are just doing our job."

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You are not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting taxpayer money?"

"You don't understand, mister," The first man said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: Me, an' Elmer, an' Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. But ya see, with the government cutbacks, they are NOT buying any more trees so Elmer's job has been cut. So now it's just me an' Leroy.

Richard, I just saw that I overwrote your last post.
Very sorry for that. I don't know how I managed it.

I don't think you did. I still see mine.

You're right. Must have been a severe brain fart on my part.

This is old, but still funny.

https://youtu.be/-K-zDK4wrI4

New to me! Thx

I had not seen it either. Fucking hilarious!

Did you hear about the frustrated cannibal who tried to eat himself?

He had to give up when he threw up his hands.

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty compartment.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said:
“You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.”
The pro nodded and said:
“I have pointed it out before. Your stance is far too wide.”

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suitsover here," said the sales girl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the sales girl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the sales girl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,"insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the sales girl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the sales girl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the sales girl.

Good one, Richard. I only groaned a little bit.