Just Jokes

It's hard to tell when a cat is bluffing.

The Love story that was not given at the DNC.

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said: "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.

But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box, and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen. 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to a recycling center."

He had joined the Foreign Legion to escape the almost crippling memory of his lost love.
But, lo, these many years later, she was still on his mind.
Perhaps if her name hadn't been Sandra...

The rebel had been a thorn in the governor's side for quite a while, but finally he was captured, and chained in the basement of the governor's mansion. On Sunday afternoon, the governor visited the rebel. With a sadistic glint in his eye, the governor said "You are to be hanged, of course. I will hang you at dawn, some day in the next week. I won't tell you which day, because I want it to be a surprise". And the governor left to enjoy his dinner.

Being a very smart and logical fellow, and with nothing much better to do, the rebel thought about this odd condition on his execution. It occurred to him that if he was still alive next Saturday, he would know that he was to be executed at dawn on Sunday. Then it wouldn't be a surprise. So therefore he couldn't be executed on Sunday. But then, by the same logic, if he was alive on Friday afternoon, he would know that they must be planning to execute him on Saturday morning. Again, it wouldn't be a surprise. So therefore he couldn't be executed on Saturday either. And the same reasoning would apply each day, working backwards. So it seemed they couldn't execute him at all!

He was hanged on Tuesday, and he was surprised.

A boat carrying blue paint collided with a boat carrying red paint. The crews were marooned.

A burglar broke into a house that appeared empty one night. As he was walking across the living room, a voice behind him said "Jesus is watching you!". Startled, the burglar spun around, only to have his flashlight pick out a parrot on a perch. "Hi, my name is Moses" said the parrot.

Trying to get his heart rate under control, the burglar said "What kind of idiot calls his parrot Moses?".

"The kind that calls his Rottweiler Jesus" said the parrot.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said "That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Just another engineer joke.


A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in,"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free any time."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment, then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night? ”

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on the train in England, riding north to Scotland. None of them had been to Scotland before, so they were all looking out of the window, seeing how the countryside changed during the ride. As the train crossed the border, they saw some sheep on a hill.

The engineer thought "I didn't know Scottish sheep were black".

The physicist thought "I wonder if that's a big enough sample for me to form the hypothesis that Scottish sheep are black".

The mathematician thought "I wonder if the other side of those sheep is black".

Rigor, gentlemen. Mathematicians must be rigorous.

Man standing outside a sign shop: "I'm just waiting for a sign."

HEAVEN
is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organised by the Swiss.

HELL
is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organised by the Italians.

Excellent!

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD

Taoism                   Shit happens Hinduism                This shit happened before Confucianism           Confucius say "Shit happens" Buddhism                If shit happens, it isn't really shit Zen                        What is the sound of shit happening? Islam                      If shit happens, it is the will of Allah Jehovah's Witness     Knock knock: "Shit happens" Atheism                  There is no shit Agnosticism             I don't know if shit happens Protestantism          Shit won't happen if I work harder Catholicism             If shit happens, I deserved it Judaism                  Why does this shit always happen to me?

Rastafarian -- Whooeee! This be some good shit, mon.

These quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance reviews.


Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is not so much a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

I would be concerned about supervisors who wrote evaluations such as those. Funny though they may be.

Well, if we're cutting-and-pasting:
Car Talk Staff:
401K Statement Analysts Douse and Burnham
Accounts Payable Administrator Imelda Czechs
Aegean Caterer Sue Flockey
Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office Dasha Chekhov
Accounts Receivable Supervisor from the Mumbai Office Vishnu Payup
Adopted Son from Sweden Bjorn A. Payne Diaz
Airline Seat Tester Wilma Butfit
Air-Quality Monitor Carmine Dioxide
Air Traffic Controller Ulanda U. Lucky
Airline Reservation Manager Will Price Randomly
Alaskan Prenuptial Advisor Rush Inuit
Alignment Inspector Lou Segusi
Alternative Fuel Consultant Amanda Livering Cole
Anger Management Coach Kirsten Hollered
Anger Management Consultant Joanne Slowburner
Animal Control Officer Turner Luce
Appalachian Chef Everett Possum
Appeals Specialist Bud Uronner
Appetizer Coordinator Barbara Ganush
Appointment Secretary Stu Earley
Appointment Secretary II Amadeus O. Early
Arbitration Expert Viola Fuss
Art Critic Phyllis Steen
Art Critic II Dot Snice
Asphalt Contractor Luciano Pavearoadi
Assertiveness Training Coach Lois Steem
Assistant Customer Care Representative Kurt Reply
Asst. Directors of Computer Services Sy Burnett and Sy Quest
Assistant Director of Moral Support Hugo Gurll
Assistant to our Make Up Artist Gladys Radio
Assistant Director of Strategic Planning Kent C. Detrees
Assistant Disciplinarian Joaquin D'Planque
Asst. Fleet Manager Lisa Carr
Assistant to the PR Specialist Lotta B. Essen
Asst. Transportation Coordinator Orson Buggy
Astroturf Installer Nomar Wheaton
Attorney General Janet Torino
Attorney General in charge of
Tobacco Settlements Hubert H. Humvee II
Audience Counter Hugh Wake
Audience Estimator Adam Illion
Audience Response Analyst Luke Warm
Australian Tour Guide Joaquin Matilda
Auto-Body Expert James Bondo
Automotive Finishes Consultant Rusty Steele
Automotive Medical Researcher Dr. Denton Fender
Automotive Registrar Megan Model
Auto Seat Tester Fitz Matush
Back Seat Driver Veronica Lizzioncourse
Back Seat Driver II Mischa Turnov
Bad Joke Interpreter Nadia Geddit
Bail Bond Provider Freida Gogh
Bail-Bondswoman Frieda Wander
Band Leader Sasha Noyes
Banker, Car Talk Plaza Poker Games Nikolai Putin
Bathroom Tile Installer Lotta Bullnose
Bean Counter Ed Amame
Bedtime Storyteller Juan Zapata
Behavior Consultant Wyatt B. Hoovesia
Biblical Scholar Vera Lee Isay
Big Band Leader Juan Anatou
Blues Coordinator Mahamadan Ptolemy
Bob Dylan Specialist I. Shelby Released
Bolt Tightener Tilda Plierslip
Book Critic Odessa Paige Turner
Boston Funeral Director Hadley Newham
Bowling Coach Menachem Down
Brake Adjuster Schlomo Quigley
Breathalyzer Administrator Eureka Garlic
British Cutlery Specialist Sir Irving Spoon
British Doorman Isaiah Olchap
Broadway Reviewer Ike and Stan Musicals
Brother in the Military Major Payne-Diaz
Boston Traffic Director Laura Biden
Budget Director Sasha Titus
Bunji Jumping Instructor Hugo First
Butler in Car Talk's Scotland Division Angus MacCoatup
Broadcast Philosopher Phillip Airtime
Business Forecaster Luigi Bord
Cabinet Maker L. Ron Cupboard
Caffeine Addiction Counselor Bruno Moore
Car Stereo Installer Carlos Antenna
Car Talk Bouncer Euripedes Ibreakayourface
Car Talk Ice Rink Manager Sam Boney
Car Talk Opera Critic Barbara Seville
Celebrity Consultants Richard Gere-Oil, Mick Jaguar
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board Alan Greasepan
Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shall-I-Pop-a-Wheelie
Chairman, Math Dept. Horatio Algebra
Chairman of our Southern Literature Department Amos Reid
Chairman, Oral History Dept. Ira Caull
Chairman, Staff Physics Dept. Victor Analysis
Chairman, Underemployment Study Group Art Majors
Chicken Soup Provisioner Kent Hoyt
Chief Accountant Candace B. Rittenoff
Chief Benefactor Myra Chunkle
Chief Cook and Bottle Washer Chef Boyar Ubusy
Chief Estimator Edward James Almost
Chief Information Officer Otto Delupe
Chief Justice Harry Mental, aka Judge Mental
Chief Legal Counsel Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe
Chief Negotiator Bernadette Bridge
Chief of Stadium Seating for the Olympics Wayne Back
Chief Procrastinator Juan Menudo
Chief Procrastinator, Paris Office Jacques Hughes
Chief Procurement Officer Emma Chizzit
Chief of Tire Technology Yessir Itsaflat
Child Care Provider A. Hugh Nokitov
Child Development Expert Dr. Benjamin Spark
Child Transportation Specialist Minnie Van Driver
Children's Menu Adviser Bea Ferrone
Children's Music Programmer Al Lowetta
Children's Sleepover Coordinator Amos Muhmahmi
Cigar Smoke Monitor Anna Paulina Roma
Class Attendance Monitor Julie Verley
Class Valedictorian Sidney Furst Rowe
Cleanliness Inspector Adolph Deflor
Cliché Monitor Saul Wellingood
Climate Change Monitor Jillian Here
Clock Watcher Colette O'Day
Clothing Designer Hugh Jass
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group Ben Thayer, Don Thatt
Coffee Break Manager Carmella Highwater
Collections Specialist Colin Duboise
Collision Repair Specialist Jesse "The Body Shop" Ventura
Commencement Speaker Gladys Overwith
Communications Director George Stayontopothis
Communications Director II Noam Sayin
Communications Specialist, Rome Office Kay C. Deech
Compassion Coordinator Ophelia Paine
Complaint Line Operator Xavier Breath
Complaint Line Operator II Levon Hold
Complaint Resolution Specialist Billy Aiken
Computer Hardware Specialist C. Colin Backslash
Computer Instructor C. Boynton Glick
Conductor Emeritus, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra Sludgy Ozawa
Conductor, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra Philip Harmonic
Conflict Resolution Specialist Hugo Origo
Conflict Resolution Specialist Yvonne Apeesamey
Congressional Lobbyists Orrin Hatchback, Dan Rustencarski, Paul Simonize, B. F. Gingrich
Conservative Political Commentator Eileen Tudor-Wright
Conspiracy Theorist Nadia Belimi
Construction Manager Dustin Dubree
Contract Extension Negotiator Evan Elpus
Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program Cody Pendant
Coordinator of Summer Visits to the Inlaws Don Juan-Gogh
Copyright Attorney Pat Pending
Corporate Spokesperson Hugh Lyon Sack
Crash Tester Hope Anna Prayer
Creative Director Drew A. Blank
Credit Counselor Max Stout
Criminal Justice Expert Lauren Order
Cruise Activity Planner Eton Doolittle
Curator of Dionne Warwick Studies Isiah Lilprair
Curator of our French Armaments Exhibit Brittany Spears
Curator of Tom's Car Collection Rex Galore
Customer Car Care Representative Haywood Jabuzoff
Customer Car Care Representative Assistant Dot Stubadd
Customer Credit Officer Noah Wayne Hellman
Customer Greeter Mel Pugh
Day Old Seafood Chef Amelia Loos
Daylight Savings Time Manager Konrad Adenauer
Customer Service Representative from London Office Sir Leo Mann
Defense Attorney Justin Volk V
Defense Attorney II Heronimus B. Blind
Defense Attorney III Donnatella Dicoppas
Defense Attorney IV Gil T. Azell
Defense Dept. Consultant Major Error
Dental Hygienist Ginger Vitis
Dermatologist for Teenagers Don Pickett
Desi Arnaz Biographer Ike Arumba
Dessert Chef Tyra Meesu
Dessert Menu Planner Eaton Flanagan
Director of Accounts Payable Bill Shredder
Director of Allergy Research Theresa Pollinating
Director of Alpine Choir O. Leo Lahey
Director of Automotive Security Boris Karlarm
Director, Automotive Recycling Center
(aka Junkyard) Ricardo Dismantleban
Director of Cadillac Steering Toulouse Toutrack
Director of The Car Talk Psychic Network La Toyota Jackson
Designer of Casual Clothing Line Noh Tie, Woo!
Director of Catering Russell Upsumgrub
Director of Clandestine Meetings Ron DesVue
Director of Cold Weather Starting Martina Neverturnover
Director of Computer Diagnostics Gus O'Genn
Director of Computer Services Dot Matrix
Director of Congressional Funding Fred Knott
Director of Country Music Stan Beyerman
Director of Deep Sea Research Marianna Trench
Director of Delicate Electronics Repair Anita Hammer
Director of Desert Food Supplies Sandy Berger
Director of Elder Affairs Al Takaka
Director of E-mail Responses Peggy Flaming
Director of Employee Loyalty Program Upton Leftus
Director of Ethics & Honesty U. Lyon Sack
Director of Firestone Tire Recalls Ivana Michelin
Director of Gender Studies Amanda B. Reckondwyth
Director of Global Warming Nomar Winter
Director of Grad Student Transportation Iona Heap
Director of Guaranteed Repeat Business Lucinda Boltz
Director of High-Speed Impact Studies Ricardo Montana-Bahn
Director of Italian Traffic Enforcement Noah U. Turna
Director of Intensive Care Unit
(The Picabo ICU) Picabo Street
Director of Jamaican Baseball Operations Reggae Jackson
Director of Japanese Cooling Systems Emperor Overhito
Director of Latin American Shameless Commerce Chico Maniorda
Director of Listener Support Noah Fundrive
Director of Lubrication Olive Presser
Director of Luxury Car Horns Toney Blare
Director of Long-Range Strategic Planning Kay Sera
Director of Monopoly Policy Juan Moorehouse
Director of New Product Repair Warren T. Mifutt
Director of Nutritional Supplements Rose Hips
Director of Pavlovian Research Isabelle Ringing
Director of Pedestrian Operations Carless Castenada
Director of Photography Len Scapon
Director of Positive Reinforcement A. Kurt Nod
Director of Pollution Control Maury Missions
Director of Preventive Maintenance Oscar Ruitt
Director of Purchasing Lois Bidder
Director of Puzzler Answer Luxury Gift Reception Donatella Debois
Directors of Quality Control Les Thomas and Nomar Raymond
Director of Quality Control II Eamon Lowe
Director of Red Sox Themed Upholstery Nomar Car-seat-repairer
Director of Roadway Resurfacing Sylvia Pottholi
Director of Russian Rust Protection Yevgeny Primercoat
Director of Speed Bumps Slow-Me-Down Milosevic
Director of Sports Information Linus Scrimmage
Director of Staff Bonuses Holly Unlikely
Director of Staff Bonuses II Ray Vaughn
Director of Staff Pay Increases Xavier Breath (assisted by Tony Von Thinkett!)
Director of Standard Time Red Auerbach
Director of Sycophantic Activities Eileen Yorway
Director of Three Stooges Studies Lee Eyeapoka
Director of Top Secret Strategy Donatello Nobatti
Director of Unsolicited Advice H. Ross Peugeot
Director of Upward Mobility
in Eastern Europe Zbigniew Chrysler
Director of Vengeance Ewell Rudy Day
Director of Warm-Weather Programming Sumner Reruns
Director of Year-End Bonuses Holly Unlikely
Disciplinarian Don Fuller Round
Disgruntled Massage Therapist Ophelia Self
Distant Cousin in Mexico City Jaime Royal Payne Diaz
Divorce Attorney Carmine Nottyors
Document Security Expert from Jamaica Euripedes Upmann
Dog Trainer Don Chase Katz
Door-to-Door Sales Annie Von Holm
Dope Slap Administrator Thad Hertz
Dougie's Live-in Fashion Improvement Coach Noah Vale
Downsizing Consultant Candace Guy
Drug Trials Specialist Placebo Domingo
Drycleaner Preston Creases
Dyslexic Rock and Roll Music Critic Roland Rock
Early American Folk Music Specialist Constance R. Rowe
East Asian Used Car Expert Alexander Soldyernissan
Ebay Specialist Selma Junkoff
Electronics Technician Sammy Conductor
Elocution Coach Richard Shun (aka Dick)
Elvis Impersonator Amal Shookup
Emergency Humor Hotline Operator Joe Klein
Emergency Preparedness Director Ron Lykell
Emergency Room Physician Henrietta Badclam
Emissions Tester Justin Hale VII (I, II,III, IV, V, VI may they RIP)
Empathy Coach Enzo Watt
Employee Morale Boosters Phil Lacrap and his brother Luke Lacrap
Employee Orientation Specialist Trudy Gauntlet
Employee Refrigerator Monitor Carmen Dating
Employee Terminator Laura Deboom
Engine Cooling Systems Manager Jean Claude Air Damme
Evasive Driving Instructor Vera Bruptly
Executive Coach Russell Papus
Executive Washroom Attendant Eustace Stahl
Exercise Guru Liza Round
Exhaust Manifold Specialist Manny Burns
Express Oil Change Provider Joaquin Joaquout
Fact Checker Ella Fynoe
Fact Checker, Mexico City Office C.S. Verdad
Fashion Consultant Natalie Attired
Fashion Improvement Coach Noah Vale
Father-in-Law Liaison Royal Payne Diaz
Feng Shui Consultant in Mumbai Rhea Rangit
Figure Skating Coach Landon McKeaster
Financial Advisors Illgott and Gaines
Financial Forecaster Lou Gubrious
Fleet Maintenance Manager Renata Oil
Fleet Manager Oscar de la Rental
Food Taster Howard M. Burgers
Footwear Consultant Susan Shocks
401 K Advisor Hugh Don Wannano
French Automotive Liaison Maurice Chevrolet
French Child Care Coordinator Gerard Diaperdoo
French Dogwalker Poupon Degrasse
French Folk Music Historian John T. Alouetta
French Ford Expedition Driver Henri Rependent
French Vacation Specialist April Lynn Parris
Gambling Addiction Counselor Althea Andrasia
Gas Tank Welder Stan Beck
Gastroenterologist Cameron Diaz
Genetic Counselor in Rome Donna Maria Eucuzzin
German Interpreter Axel Hausen
Golf and Wine Correspondent Litre Vino
Golf Pro Putnam Daily
Gospel Choir Director Colin Response
Graduation Coordinators Val and Dick Torian
Grammar Consultant I.M. Shirley Wright
Greek Driving Instructor Adjustes Miros
Greek Insurance Estimator Costa Grand
Guest Accommodations The Horseshoe Road Inn
Guide to Rapid Sun Tanning Les Block
Gum Surgeon Perry O'Dontal
Hair I.M. Mr. Gigi
Hair Color Consultant Dewey R. Donti
Hair Restoration Specialist Hedda Harrigan
Head of Alterations Toulouse Toulong
Head of Bldgs. & Grounds Moe D'Lawn
Head of Covert Operations Dinah Tell
Head of Customer Service Dawn Boddame
Head of Division of Threat Assessment Ewen Whadarmy
Head of Front Desk Security Constance Noring
Head of Personal Security C. Howie Run
Head of Security Barb Dwyer
Head of our Organ Donation Program Olivia McColon
Heads of Parts Dept. Al Lloyd Wheel, Constance Velocity
Head of Used Car Purchasing Ewell B. Hoffinett
Head of Watersports Marketing Selma Kayak
Head of Working Mother Support Group Erasmus B. Dragon
Help Desk Coordinator Dan Difino
Help Desk Supervisor Reed Emanuel Pal
Help Line Coordinators Kara Lott-Knott, Don Bothermy
Holiday Decoration Specialist Aretha Holley
Holiday Wardrobe Consultant Don Weenau
Horsepower Consultant Mr. Ed
Hospitality Director Doris Shutt
In-house Literary Critic Al Ligori
In-law Hospitality Provider Emile Endicott
Insurance Agent Heidi Ductible
Interior Decorator Perry Winkle
Interpretive Dance Instructor Tristan Schaut
Inventory Manager Mandalit Del Bar-Code
Iraqi Sales Director Aziz Nowarranty
Italian Conflict Resolution Specialists Hugh and Mia Donnagria
Italian Governess Donna Day Evvalurn
International Lubrication Experts C.V. Boutros Boutros Gali and Fidel Castrol
IQ Evaluator Lois Tess Gore
Janis Joplin Biographer Ian Bobby McGee
Japanese Chef Benny Honda
Jazz Music Coordinator Bertha Deblues
Jeep Driver Jocelyn De Contents
Jewelry Appraiser Golda Myear
Jewelry Appraiser II Mehta Feingold
Jump Starting Expert Stan Wellback
Keeper of Bell Tower (Hatchback of Notre Dame) Quasi Automotive
Laptop Repair Specialist Eustace Hammer
Latin American Bullfighting Specialist Gordon Diaz
Latin American Trade Representative Noah Comprenday
Layoff Counselor Harry Verderchi
Lay Off Counselor II Oscar Lavista
Leader of The Former Peugeot Dealers of America Support Group Eustace L. Emmons
Leo Tolstoy biographer: Warren Peace Author of Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace
Liaison to the British Isles Isaiah Oldchap
Liaison to the Space Program Roger Houston
Liaison Officer to Volvo & Renault Bjorne Toulouse
Libel Defense Director in Tokyo Sosumi Areti
Lighting Expert Shanda Lear
Literary Critics Ernest & Julio Hemingway
Little Dog of Payne-Diaz family Toto Payne Diaz
Loan Officer I.O. Silver
Local News Reporter Phil Mataleven
Locksmith Ernest & Eustace Nailfile
Long Distance Cycling Enthusiast Major Ashburn
Long-Distance Truck Driver Etienne Wheeler
Long Range Economic Planner Darren D. Headlights
Loss Prevention Associate Natasha D'Merchandise
Lost Luggage Tracker Lester Carey
Lottery Ticket Coordinator Jason Rainbows
Lug Nut Specialist Tad Tolouse
Luncheon Chef Hannah Mia Cannatunna
Luxury Accomomdations Provider Tony Diggs
Mailman Alfredo De-Daschund
Manager of Automotive Accessories Francis Ford Cupholda
Manager of Car Talk
Capital Depreciation Fund Les Ismore
Manager of Cartalk.Com Cy Burnett
Manager, Car Talk Listeners Rebate Program Wendy Pigsfly
Manager, Donkey Based Video Equipment Cameron Diaz
Manager of Employee Refrigerator Carmen Dating
Manager of the Weekly Shrimp Buffet Sheldon Deveigned
Marine Biologist Frieda Wales
Marine Forecaster Windsor Calm
Marriage Counselor Marion Haste
Martial Arts Trainer Anita Degroin
Mechanic's Assistant Hannah Twomey
Missing Persons Investigator, from the Tel Aviv office Yehuda Guy
Ralph Kramden Impersonator Mohammed Ahamana Hamana
Montana Traffic Law Director Hugh Jim Bissell
Mortgage Loan Consultant Nora Lenderbee
Mother-in-Law Liaison Stella Payne Diaz
Motivational Speaker Boris Oxoff
Moving Van Driver Carrie Desofa
Museum Guide Desdamona Lisa
Music Director Mel F. Lewis
Musical Director Donna E. Mobile
Musical Theater Critic from the Bombay Office Jaswant Singh
Natural History Curator Willie Mammoth
New-Employee Training Program Ewell Flounder
New York-based Dispute Settlement Coordinator Hugh Talkinamee
Nomadic Studies Roman Hunt
Nutrition Consultants Eaton Wright and Liven Good
New Truck Reviewer Zbigniew Rigg
Night Club Manager Don Kashane
Wine Snob Noah Merle Low
Official Football Widow Eliza Decouch
Office Ice Cream Taster Nora Morse
Official Spokesperson Howie Vasive
Official Spokesperson Lou Scannon
Ornithologist in Training Luke A. Boyd
Our Chief Negotiator Nicole Anne Dime
Our DNA Researcher Gene Hackman
Overnight Bus Driver Borden Drousy
Overseer of Florida Voting Practices Emmanuel Recount
Parking Attendant Rick O'Shea
Parking Garage Attendant Ray Zador
Parking Lot Attendant Kent Stirwell
Parole Officer Willy Bolt
Parts Inventory Manager Wayne Debach
Pastry Chef Edith Tu
Pastry Chef II Buck Le Vaugh
Paternity Suit Researcher Oren Jewison
Pedestrian Advocate Jay Walker
Pension Fund Manager Dot Comstock
Periodontist Winston Paine
Personal Hygiene Advisor from the Tokyo Office Oh Takashawa
Personal Makeup Artist Bud Tuggli
Personal Trainer Jim Shortz
Personal Trainer II Euripides Abs
Pet Shop Inventory Manager Arthur Katzenbach
Petty Cash Auditor Dave Reckoning
Philosopher Wanda Y. Datso
Photographer F. Stop Fitzgerald
Physical Therapist Eustace Kane
Physical Therapist Estelle Hoyts
Physics Graduate Student Laura Vernersha
Pitching Coach Owen Too
Plastic Surgeon Fay Slift
Podcast Reviewer Kent Stan de Noyes
Poet Laureate Robert Defrost
Poker Coach Althea Andrasia
Political Consultant Mark Iavelli
Political Consultant II Paul C. Wonk
Ponzi Scheme Operator Shirley W. Money
PowerPoint Producer Boris Tadeff
PR Director Bea Esser
Practical Joke Evaluator Odessa Goodwyn
Practical Joke Specialist Dietrich Iznotulaff
Prayer Coach Denise Hurt
Pre-show Caterers Giardia Brothers
President, Car Talk Hair Club for Men Emerson Fittibaldie (he's also a client)
President, Disgruntled Hatchback Owners Club Ivana Trunk
Press Secretary Don B. Zonozi
Producer's Office, Furnished by Rick Kleiner
Proof Reader Erin Spelling
Proprietor of Car Talk's men clothing store Euripedes Eumenedes
Prosecuting Attorney Melissa Forethought
Pseudonym Consultant Norm De Plume
Public Opinion Pollster Paul Murky of Murky Research
Puerto Vallarta Transmission Specialist Synchro de Mayo
Public Appearances Coordinator Ida Klein
Puzzler Tester Otis S. Hard
Race Team Driver Andy Zoff
Rafting Guide Euphrates Rapids
Ranch Foreman Hyman Oldcowhand
Ratings Analysis Specialist Rita Menweip
Recently Discovered Uncle from Warsaw Zbigniew Payne Diaz
Receptionist Sedona Tush
Receptionist II Levon Hold
Regional Director, Atlanta Frank Lee Scarlett
Registered Mail Manager Kent B. Goode
Reincarnation Expert Diana Comeback
Reluctant Film Editor Francis Ford Cupholda
Rental Property Manager Ulysses Up
Rental Property Manager Condoleeza B. Broken
Repair Cost Consultant Bill M. Moore
Repo Agent Carmine Now
Restroom Attendants Trudy Door & Donna Hall
Retirement Party Planner Luisa Jolley Goodfellow
Retractable Antenna Tester Benton Broke
Rock and Roll Historian Bruce Wade Hughes
Rocket Scientist Chet Propeld
Rollerblading Instructor Landon McKeester
Roman History Buff Vinnie V. Divici
Route Planner Oliver D. Map
Rumanian Emissions Tester Vlad the Inhaler
Russian-American Hesitation Specialist Anita Putin Newkarb
Russian Chauffeur Picov Andropov
Russian Gas Station Attendant Phillip Antopitov
Russian Intern Igor Beaver
Russian Vacation Specialist Ivana Veekoff
Safari Planner Sarah Anne Getty
Safety Officers Mort & Fay Tality
Sales Director Aziz Nowarranty
Sales Motivation Coach Norman Vincent Pealeout
Satellite Radio Critic Candace B. Sirius
Scout Leader Lawson D. Woods
Seafood Provisioner Howard E. Oysters
Seasonal Adjustment Disorder Specialist Mahmoud S. Bleak
Seat Cushion Tester Mike Easter
Seating Consultant Rush Lumbar
Second Shift Meteorologist Claudio Vernight
Secretary of Pain Relief Les Aspirin
Secretary of Halogen Headlamps Made-A-Lane Allbright
Secretary of Photographic Reproduction Fresh Prince
Self Defense Instructor Nina Cahones
Self Esteem Coach Mia Culpa
Senior Accountant from the Paris Office Count De Monet
Senior Citizen Driving Instructor Tonya Blinkeroff
Senior Ornithologist Seymour Robbiins
Sensitive Language Advisor Holly Schmidt
Set Theorist from the Stockholm Office Sven Diagram
Sexual Harassment Counselor Natasha Diaz
Sexual Harassment Intervention Counselor Pat McCann
Sexual Harassment Trainer, Frankfurt Office Hans T. Josef
Shop Foreman Luke Bizzy
Shop Foreman II Constance Ubervision
Short Order Cook Burt Toast
Show Reviewer Seamus O'Dull
Sidewalk Clothing Vendor Chip Pentz
Singing Urologist Urethra Franklin
Sleep Clinic Operator Betty Bayh
Sleepy LaBeef Ticket Procurer Caldwell Ahead
Snowboarding Instructor Soren Dekeester
Solicitor of New Ideas Obie Quiet
Soloists Kerry Oki, Victor Yugo
Spanish Gerontologist Senor Moment
Special Liaison to the California Energy Commission Tanya Lightov
Speech Pathologist Peter Aftermey
Speechwriter Audrey Marx
Spiritual Counselor Miss Dolly Lama
Spiritual Counselors Zeke and Ewell Find
Sportsmanship Coach Ivan Youlose
Staff Activities Coordinator Dewey Hafta
Staff Acupuncturist O. Howard Hertz
Staff Advisor Judy Cyde
Staff Alpinist Arianna Topyet
Staff Archivist Bernadette File
Staff Author Four-Door Dostoevski
Staff Barber Buzz Wazleftov
Staff Barber II Les Offenbach
Staff Bicycle Tester Maya Certz
Staff Bikini Waxer Harry Mouval
Staff Brown Noser Esther Iffick
Staff Butler, from the Car Talk
Bombay Division Mahatma Coat
Staff Bouncer Euripedes Ibrakauface
Staff Carburetor Expert Leslie Stahl
Staff Cardiologist Angie O'Plasty
Staff Cartographers Frances N. Europe and Niles N. Africa
Staff Cat Feeder Ken Opener
Staff Caterer Edith Ann Weepe
Staff Chaperone Theresa Crowd
Staff Chaplain Neil Down
Staff Cheese Expert Gordon Zola
Staff Child Seat Tester Drew Lee Weiner
Staff Chiropractor Winston Paine
Staff Composers Gustav Muffler, Bela Cartok
Staff Cooks Al Dente, Sal Monella
Staff Copy Editor Adeline Moore
Staff Dermatologist Ivan Offalitch
Staff Dietician Norma Lee Chowen
Staff Disciplinarian Les Stern
Staff Disciplinarian II Tara Neuwon
Staff Disciplinarian III Juan Demerritt
Staff Dramatist Anton Chokeov
Staff Fact Checker Neera Nuff
Staff Forger Vera Similitude
Staff Gastroenterologist Dr. Louis Stuhls
Staff Geneticist Dr. Jean Poole
Staff Geographer Lorraine, Alsace
Staff Gigolo Spencer Cash
Staff Gossip Columnist. Bud Inski
Staff Grief Counselor Ariel Bummerman
Staff Groper Manny Bumsfeldt
Staff Historian Marsha Time
Staff Intern Lois Rung
Staff Intuitionist Ivan Inkling
Staff Kitchen Designer Joaquin Freezer
Staff Kleptomaniac Heidi Silver
Staff Landscaper Alonzo Greene
Staff Martini Mixer Oliver Twist
Staff Mediator Sue First
Staff Mediator II Collette Even
Staff Meteorologist Gail Storm
Staff Meteorologist II Claudio Vernight
Staff Meteorologist from New Delhi Luke Audavindo
Staff Meteorologist from the Seattle Office Wayne Goaway
Staff Morale Coach Donna Karen E. Moore
Staff Morticians Barry L. Plotz
Sven Didigo
Staff Naturalist Diedre Oppings
Staff Nutritionist Arlene Menu
Staff Oral Historian Studds Tercel
Staff Ornithologist, McMurdo Office Marcia De Penguins
Staff Orthopedist Denise Hoyt
Staff Philosopher Ray Zondette
Staff Physicist Moe Mentum
Staff Prestidigitator O. Luke Adair
Staff Promotions Director Anita Buttkiss
Staff Psychologist Les Moody
Staff Reporters Walter Windshield, Walter Crankcase
Staff Sommelier Avery Goodyear
Staff Snowplow Driver Frasier Tushov
Staff Supervisor Mike Romanage
Staff Temporary Housing Specialist Condo Leaser Rice
Staff Urologist Willa Catheter
Staff Urologist II Pete Shedille
Standard Time Keeper Hans Auerbach
State Secrets Keeper Lucinda Tung
Station Identification Coordinator Avery Haffenauer
Statistician Marge Innovera
Studio Repair Technician Sloan Cranky
Summer Intern Gladys Overnow
Summer Wardrobe Coordinator Bermuda Schwartz
Sunscreen Provisioner Les Brown
Suppliers of Insurance to
Dewey, Cheetham and Howe C.F.I. Care
Surf Reporter Cal Abunga
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop DeVille
Swedish Attorney Bjorn Liar
Swedish Pessimist Gunnar D. Daysr
Swimwear Designer C. Bigby Heinz
Swing Dance Consultant Antonia Band-Era
Table Saw Operator Les Digits
Taciturn Poet Kurt Rhymer
Tailor Euripedes Imenedes
Tax Consultant Lou Pole
Tax Preparer Bernice Documents
Teenage Daughter Sasha Royal Payne Dias
Teenage Valet Lao Tse Parker
Telephone Complaint Taker Opal Lease
Telephone Solicitation Response Specialist Teresa Noboddihoum
Telephone Solicitor, Paris Office Henri Lenting
Termite Inspector Luke Underwood
Timing Director Benjamin Not-Yet-You-Yahoo!
Toastmaster Cy Gazunt
Tom's Beard Cleaner Emile Initself
Tom's Personal Dating Coach Edna Bagg
Tommy's Ex House Cleaner Stu Grody
Tommy's Front Yard Designer Roxanne Debris
Tom's Memory Coach Hugh Sherlock Familia
Tom's Official Co-Pilot Yvette de Pants
Tom's Other Dating Coach Annie Von Vildo
Tom's Personal Hygiene Coach Haseen Benisi
Tom's Personal Matchmaker Robin D'Craydell
Tour Leader Terry Incognito
Town Car Rear Seat Passenger Ralph Oliver
Town Criers Nina Clark and
Alice Well
Traffic Reporter U.B. Crawlin
Train Derailment Specialist Toulouse La Track
Transcriber Diana Boredom
Transgender Studies Expert Ben Her
Transportation Coordinator Rick Shaw
Travel Agent Lois Faire
Travel Agent, Bombay Office Vishnu Verhere
Travel Coordinator Althea Around
Two Year Old Ariel Payne Diaz
Undergarment Inspector I.C. London
Urgent Response Coordinator Candace Waite
Used Car Salesman Alexis Itznot
Used Car Salesperson Meg Meehan Hoffa
Vehicle Preservation Specialist Cosmo Lean
Videographer, Tel Aviv Office Schlomo Replay
Visually Impaired Parking Lot Attendant Dale Neverknow
Wardrobe Advisor Luke Howard Fitzhugh
Wardrobe Advisor II Harley Fitzhugh
Wardrobe Assistant Joaquin Closet
Wardrobe Consultant Natalie Attired
Warrantee Claim Adjudicator Candace B. Rittenoff
Weekend Excursion Planner Deepak Tumuch
Weight Loss Coach Hugh Otto Dewitt
Werewolf Studies Specialist Harriet Knight
Window Dressers Curt and Rod
Windshield Wiper Replacement Team Ike and Zeke Leerly
Windsurfing Instructor Eileen Windy
Wine Taster from the Abu Dhabi Office Hassen Ben Sober
Women's Hockey Team Miss Inga Tooth
Yodeling Instructor from Hawaii Leo Del Lahey Hy

_Howard wrote:

I would be concerned about supervisors who wrote evaluations such as those. Funny though they may be.

I read them on the internet, so they must be true.

Little Johnny Jokes #242:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher replied, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to a movie about space and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good too Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Finally Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated to call on him, because she had been burned by Little Johnny before... but she couldn't think of a way he could misuse the word “fascinate,” so she sighed and called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate!”