Just Jokes

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden.  He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

             He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

             "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

             "They:re mating,": her father replied.

             "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

             "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

             "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

             As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

           

             The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat.  "Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

Garry Kasporov and Bobby Fischer went to an Italian restaurant with check tablecloths.  It took them two hours to pass the salt.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual physical, but this time the doctor said he wanted to test the man's sperm count as part of his physical exam. It was a study of aging in male patients, he said.

The man shrugged and said okay. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Here. Bring back a semen sample tomorrow, don't worry if it's not a very big sample -- we only need a few drops." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, but it appeared to be as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened. The man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor for help collecting a semen sample?"

"Oh hell no" the old man replied, "We couldn't get the goldurn jar open!"

Q: What's the difference between a smart duck and a common goose?

A: Geese are notoriously bad at factoring polynomials.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent £5,000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk: "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that, she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied: "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop a little later, she asked an old man the same question. He replied: "I am 85 years old and my eyesight isn't great any more. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand under your top I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no-one around, so the woman thought "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up under her top. After feeling around for a while, the old man said: "OK, you are 47."

The woman was really impressed and said: "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

I got a new job today, circumcizing elephants in the zoo.

The pay isn't very good but the tips are huge.

Guy walks into a bar, notices two T-bone steaks nailed to the ceiling right in the center of the pub. "What's the deal with the steaks?" he asks the bartender.

"It's a little bet we offer to all new customers here at Murphy's," the bartender replies. "It you can jump up and touch both steaks, you'll get free drinks for the whole night. However, if you only touch one steak or none at all, you have to buy a round for the house."

The guy looks around. The bar is filled to capacity.

"Not for me," he says. "The stakes are too high."

Guy goes into the adult shop, says to the clerk "I want to buy a blowup sex doll."

The clerk says, "Male or female?" The guy says, "Male."

The clerk nods and says, "White or black?" The guy says, "White."

The clerk nods again and says, "Christian or Muslim?" The guy scratches his head and says, "Huh?  What difference does that make?!"

"The Muslim doll blows itself up."

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on, and everything else was automatic.

Soon he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. However, he also quickly realised that he couldn't separate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seemed to work.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," the helpful lady replied. "The machine will release automatically once it has collected four liters."

Poor farmer. Automation can be a bitch.

It’s a JOKE, Howard.

No shit? Really?

Yeah really. But there ARE videos online of guys using milking machines for their own pleasure (don’t ask me how I know this) but it looks a little brutal. Brutal, and mechanical.

I tried a vacuum cleaner once, but it was a disaster. Of course, I was trying a Roomba; little bastard wouldn't hold still.

I can just picture you shuffling around the house with your pants around your ankles.

NOT a picture I wish to repeat.

Some idiots have tried to use a vacuum cleaner. Of course, stripping all the skin off their penis was not what they had in mind. Gives me the shivers just to contemplate it.

Q: What’s the difference between a meth lab and a math lab?

Other than the vowel, I got nothin'.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Q: Where did Noah keep the bees?

A: In the Ark hives, of course.