Post Your Dreams Here

Last night was Thursday morning, and I was due to retire on Friday. For some(?) reason, I had to go into a training center and take an aptitude test to see what job I would be qualified for. There were all sorts of aptitude tests up on the wall, for various careers: metalworker, truck driver, CNC operator, telephone sales, management, couple dozen others. I was given the one most similar to what I was already doing, computer technical support.

The first question dealt with artificial turkey meat. It asked: if the tofurkey tasted like real turkey, but had a different texture, how much could it sell for? If it had the right texture but the wrong flavor, what foods could it be used for? How could tofurkey be marketed to consumers who were skeptical of plant-based meat substitutes?

The second question dealt with beef production. Scientists had developed a genetically-engineered steer that "pissed less" -- I remember being surprised at that phrase -- and produced 10% less meat. It asked how many head of cattle would be needed for this genetic variant became profitable?

I remember thinking, this isn't a simply yes-no question. There are many variables that would have to be considered. Presumably a bull that pissed less would also need less water, so was this herd to be raised under drought conditions? Would they be factory raised, or allowed to graze on federal lands? Did their drought-resistance change the taste or tenderness or juiciness of the meat at all?

It gradually dawned on me that A) these questions, interesting as they were, had nothing to do with computer technical support, and B) I was going to retire tomorrow anyway so what did I care about aptitude tests?

About that time I woke up to do what the cattle wouldn't.

Last night was my last day at work (I sense a theme...) and I was cleaning out my desk at work -- which happened to be my childhood desk from my parents' house -- tossing out unfinished projects left and right. Huge stacks of contact lists ("You won't need this, it's all on computer now.") Piles and piles (and piles) of reference material ("How long has it been since I needed this? I can't even remember. There's no chance YOU'LL need it.") Photos and rare books(!) I'd collected. I was trying to discard EVERYTHING without delving into it because I knew it was a black hole, if I started reading and evaluating everything I could be there for weeks.

My co-workers were digging into the piles to see if anything needed to be saved and I kept brushing them away. Start fresh, I told them. Don't try to live my life. You have your own work.

My boss came by with some going-away gifts, cucumbers and squash from his garden. Gosh thanks Tom.

I was anxious to leave all this behind and move on to the next stage of my life.

By the way, my wife got her first Social Security check yesterday (bank deposit actually). Hard to believe my "trophy wife" is on Social.

Okay... this dream was different. I dreamt somebody discovered medicinal properties in sperm, like as an ingredient in an anti-aging cream or something. So the big pharmaceuticals opened up "collection centers" in all the major cities, where hundreds of young men could earn $20 for a good yank.  Some men came back multiple times per day. Some rooms were for multiple occupants (the gay rooms) while others were private booths. Like fertility clinics, your choice of reading material was provided but there were also young women employed as "stimulators" who did provocative things all day long to aid the "production."

Yesh.  No more Indian food for dinner.

Last night, an announcement came down that in an effort to save money the company was shutting down the entire Customer Service department, effective immediately.

There was a lot of grumbling about how stupid it was, how management had no idea what Customer Service did, how customers would start leaving in droves once their accounts were no longer being serviced... But there didn't seem to be any wiggle room in the announcement, so everybody began going around saying their goodbyes,  packing up personal belongings, putting on their coats...

At this moment a Senior VP entered the room and said, "Excuse me, I'd like to make an announcement.  All employees, excuse me, I mean all FEMALE employees should make a list of what they're working on before leaving the premises."

That steamed me.  I marched right up to her, got right up in her face, and told her as menacingly as I could that she'd better be prepared to pay these women an HOURLY RATE for the time they spend compiling such lists, and it won't be a matter of hours or days but more likely weeks.  Then I told her the company would collapse anyway in a matter of a week or two without Customer Service, and the monumentally stupid idea of closing the service department and firing all these people was all her fault.

She paled, and looked shocked.  Nobody had ever talked to her like that before.

As I walked back triumphantly to my co-workers I explained, "I haven't told anyone, but I'm retiring at the end of the month, so I was only going to work two more weeks anyway.  I had nothing to lose."

Last night I was attending some kind of conference for work—which happened to be held in my old grade school. As I was walking to class my right forefinger itched, and when I scratched it a gray egg-like thing popped out.  It was the size of a gelcap pill, but hard like plastic.  I took a closer look at my finger and there were MORE eggs inside there. I started popping them out and got close to a dozen of them, way more than should have fit inside my finger.

I told my co-workers hey look at this. I decided to find out what was inside these eggs, and started crushing them with a knife.  Inside each one was a wasp-like creature, with pointed wings and covered in a deep-red blood.  When I crushed a wasp they were fibrous inside, like they were made of hay or wheat.  

I've always been creeped out by the midwife toad.

Last night my ex-wife (r.i.p.) had dragged me to a wedding of some friend of hers, and somehow we were responsible for decorating the hall with balloons and curly ribbons.  I had boxes and boxes of ribbons to cut and curl, and dozens of balloons to blow up and hang, and then there was crepe decorations to place and invitations to make and place cards and ....

And then she started ragging on me to put on my suit, because the ceremony was about to begin. I hadn't even started the decorating yet!

I was supposed to smile and be pleasant, but all his pressure was making me cranky. So I woke up and took the piss out.

I usually have some noise going on when I go to sleep. Maybe mood music, or whalesong, or an old movie that I've seen a million times before, just something. Last night I managed to be on a channel that featured some commercials. And I woke up realising that my dreams were being influenced by the ads. My immediate thought was that the dream was funny, and the second was maybe I was in hell where the world is being run by corporations and even your dreams include commercial breaks.

Of course, without the dreams, the story has famously been told already - The Space Merchants.

I had a long fabulously-detailed dream last night where I was traveling in a foreign Eastern European country. I've forgotten almost all the details, except one, which struck me at the time in the dream as a memorable incident.

I'd gotten on a bus to run to the store to pick up some little item I needed.  It wasn't until the bus stopped and I got off that I realized I didn't have my wallet.  When the bus driver demanded a 46 kopek fare, I explained I didn't have my wallet, and offered him instead a bite of the wedge of cheese I was carrying.  He shrugged, and stuffed THE WHOLE WEDGE into his mouth.

Now this was a very cheesy garnish cheese, like asiago, but the bus driver didn't seem to mind.  He waved me off to the store.

I still didn't have any way to buy anything though.

The Safeco Tower, where I worked for nearly twenty years, was the tallest building outside downtown (well, it still is, but it's no longer "The Safeco Tower.") I'm afraid of heights, so looking out the 19th floor windows and seeing nothing of comparable height as far as the eye could see made me somewhat vertiginous.

That tower has fallen down many times in my dreams.

Usually right after an earthquake takes down other towers, like the recent horrifying footage from Taiwan.  Did you see the footage of the rooftop swimming pool? Nightmare stuff.