Just Jokes

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath … throw the washing in.

However, the bloke at the next table said, "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

Fuck me! Embarrassed!

So, to ease the tension I said, "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock."

A horse and a chicken were walking across the farmer's field, when suddenly the horse fell into a big hole.  The chicken ran all the way back to the farmhouse, grabbed the farmer's Mercedes Benz and some rope, and drove back to the horse. He tied the rope around the horse, and then to the bumper of the car, and slowly eased the horse up out of the hole.  "Thanks," said the horse, "you saved my life."

A couple days later they were out walking again, and this time the chicken fell into a hole. "Quick," yelled the chicken, "go get the car again."

"Nay," said the horse, as he positioned himself over the hole and simply let the chicken climb up his long penis.

Moral of the story: You don't need a Benz to pick up chicks if you're hung like a horse.

A woman adopted a parrot from a pet store. The shop owner said, I must warn you, this parrot knows some naughty words.

How bad can it be, she thought, as she took the parrot home. But as soon as she set up the cage in the living room, the parrot whistled and said, "Hiya cutie, wanna fuck?"

And this happened all week, every time she walked into the room. The woman was considering returning the parrot to the pet store.

That Sunday, at church, she mentioned this to her priest at confession, asking if she was a bad person to consider returning the parrot.

"I may be able to help you," said the Father.  "I myself have a parrot, and I've been teaching him to pray and recite bible verses. Perhaps if we put them together, your parrot would learn better manners."

The woman brought the parrot to the rectory that very night, and as soon as she carried the bird inside it whistled and said its phrase.

"Thank God," said the priest's parrot.  "My prayers have been answered."

The town I live in is so small that the town zoo only has one animal, a dog.

It's a shitzu.

"The Republican Party is the party of election integrity."
-Marjorie Taylor Greene
https://www.msnbc.com/top-stories/latest/georgia-republican-vice-chair-election-fraud-illegal-vote-rcna145510

I nearly spit my milk out my nose.