Just Jokes

The oldest British joke (10th Century):

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

From a 4th or 5th century Greek anthology: "A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim." Which is just the kind of dry wit I imagined them having.

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists, and asks to see the manager.  The boy says he'll  ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole  wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to  find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

That's fantastic.

Job Interview

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?


Applicant: That was when I went to Yale.


Interviewer: How wonderful! That's marvelous. You're hired!


Applicant: Gweat. I weally need this yob.

Q: What's the opposite of Mayan ruins?

A: Urine ruins.

My wife already had a ladder when I married her. Now it's my step ladder.

The pastor of the little church up the road from me was surprised when an armless man applied for the job of bell-ringer. Before they could object, he just said, “Look, I know, I know what you’re thinking, but just give me an audition and I’ll prove I can do this job.” They agreed, and he started striking the bells with his face, which to everyone’s surprise produced a beautiful melody. That is, until he went at it too hard, fell over the side of the belfry, and plunged to his death.

The ambulance crew pronounced him dead at the scene, and they asked the pastor for the gentleman’s name. Trembling, the pastor admitted, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

After the funeral the pastor, feeling terrible about the whole thing, asked the man’s brother — the only family member who turned up — if there might be anything the church could do for him. To the pastor’s surprise, he said, “Yes. I’d like to try out for my brother’s job, please. I feel as though it would please him.”

The church agreed to this, especially since this sibling couldn’t possibly suffer the same fate as he had two good arms. But at the very beginning of the audition, the new prospect dropped the mallet, clutched his chest, and died of a massive heart attack.

This time the police and EMTs again had to ask for the man’s name, since he had no ID on him. The now severely traumatized pastor replied, “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

As a child I was forced to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

I sent this joke to a friend of mine.

Quote :

My dog bit my girlfriend, so I had to have her put down. It broke my heart.

I guess it's back to the dating websites!

His reply:

Quote :

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her a replacement just like it. "Great" she said, "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Two wives go out for a girls night. They have a good time drinking and dancing ….. as the night wears on they end up getting drunk. When it’s time to leave they decide to walk home, but on the way home they need to pee. They go into a cemetery but after relieving themselves realize they have nothing to wipe with. One of the ladies uses her underwear, the other uses a wreath she sees laying nearby.

The next morning one husband phones the other slightly concerned - ‘I’m not sure they should go out together again, my wife came home with no knickers on’.

‘You think that’s bad?’ said the other man. ‘My wife came home with a card in her crack that read ‘From all of us at the fire service - you’ll never be forgotten’’.

Lifted from Facebook. Golden Oldies, for sure, but some still made me chuckle.

1. Can an Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts of God?
2. Atheism Is a Non-prophet Organization.
3. If Man Evolved from Monkeys and Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys and Apes?
4. The Main Reason That Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All the Bad Girls Live.
5. I Went to a Bookstore and Asked the Saleswoman, “Where’s the Self-Help Section?"
She Said If She Told Me, it Would Defeat the Purpose.
6. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
7. If a Deaf Child ‘Signs’ Swear Words, Does His Mother Wash His Hands with Soap?
8. If Someone with Multiple Personalities Threatens Suicide, Is it Considered a Hostage Situation?
9. Is There Another Word for Synonym?
10. If You Spin an Oriental Man in a Circle, Does He Become Disoriented?
11. What Should Happens if an Endangered Animal Eats an Endangered Plant?
12. If a Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?
13. Would a Fly Without Wings Be Called a Walk?
14. Why Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Afraid Someone Will Break-in and Clean Them?
15. If a Turtle Doesn’t Have a Shell, Is He Homeless or Naked?
16. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
17. If the Police Arrest a Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has the Right to Remain Silent?
18. Why Do They Put Braille on the Drive-through Bank Machines?
19. How Do They Get Deer to Cross the Road Only at Those Yellow Road Signs?
20. What Was the Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
21. One Nice Thing about Egotists: They Don’t Talk about Other People.
22. Does the Little Mermaid Wear an Algebra? (This One Took Me a Minute)
23. How Is it Possible to Have a Civil War?
24. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do the Rest Drown Too?
25. If You Ate Both Pasta and Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?
26. If You Try to Fail, and Succeed, Which Have You Done?
27. Why Do Shops Have Signs Saying, ‘Guide Dogs Only?’
The Dogs Can’t Read and Their Owners Are Blind.
28. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called “Hemorrhoids” Instead of “Assteroids?”
29. Why Is it Called Tourist Season If We Can’t Shoot at Them?
30. Why Is There an Expiration Date on Sour Cream?

Q. What do you call a group of nuns?

A. An envy.

You wouldn't get this on American TV.

An unnecessary joke

Seamus and Paddy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of two Euros. Paddy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Paddy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Paddy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They downed their drinks. Paddy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Paddy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Paddy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Genuinely sick jokes.

Gary Delaney: ruthless one-liners

I do miss British TV sometimes.

The RUDEST, FILTHIEST And Most DISGUSTING Jokes From Cats Does Countdown

Q: Why does Tiger Woods travel to golf tournaments with two blow-up sex dolls?

a: In case he gets a hole in one.

Stolen from Will Williams, whoever he is.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes',
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started..
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

You wanna know why Indian Students are disliked abroad?? read on...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.