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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySat Jan 26, 2019 5:53 pm

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same bloody elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySun Jan 27, 2019 9:37 am

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_Howard
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_Howard


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyWed Jun 19, 2019 1:24 pm

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy,

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely low.
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_Howard
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_Howard


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyFri Sep 13, 2019 3:27 pm

Just Jokes  - Page 9 Dog_an10
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NoCoPilot

NoCoPilot


Posts : 20169
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Age : 69
Location : Seattle

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyTue Dec 10, 2019 12:24 pm

Q: Why can't you keep a young lady in prison?

A: Because sentences are almost always ended by a period.
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyMon Dec 16, 2019 12:11 pm

Did you hear about Frankie, the human cannonball?

He was hired and fired the same night.

After they fired him, they didn't replace him.  Couldn't find anybody else of the right caliber.  But don't worry about Frankie -- he always landed on his feet (even without a golden parachute).

Once, he took his act overseas.  Made quite the big splash!

By the way, his real name wasn't Frankie.  They just called him that because he wouldn't work without Annette.
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyTue Dec 24, 2019 6:34 am

Q: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

A: "Aye, matey!"
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Jan 02, 2020 6:13 am

A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: "Son, where were you today during school hours?"

Son: "At school" (robot slaps son).

Son: "Okay, I went to the movies."

Dad: "Which one?"

Son: "Harry Potter" (robot slaps again).

Son: "Okay, I was watching porn."

Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" (robot slaps dad).

Mum: "Hahahaha. He is your son!" (robot slaps mum).
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySat Jan 04, 2020 2:30 pm

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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySun Feb 02, 2020 2:04 pm

Originally written by Emo Phillips, but since retold and rewritten all over the place without giving him credit. This version won a contest as being the funniest religious joke ever.
__________________________

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

So I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Mar 26, 2020 3:21 pm

During his recent trip Great Britain, Donald Trump had a brief conversation with Queen Elizabeth.

“As President, I’m thinking of changing how my country is referred.”, Donald Spoke, “I’m thinking that it should be called a Kingdom."

The Queen replies, "I’m sorry Donald, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge, and you’re certainly not a King!"

Donald thought a while and then said, "What about an Empire?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge, and you are not an Emperor!"

Donald thought long and hard and came up with, "How about a Principality?"

The Queen, getting annoyed, replies, “Look Donald, to be a principality you have to be a Prince, and you’re certainly not a Prince!"

Donald looked puzzled but before he could utter another word the Queen said, "For you, I think it’s more appropriate to remain a Country".
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Apr 16, 2020 3:15 pm

Very appropriate analogy:

"The curve is flattening; we can start lifting restrictions now" =
"The parachute has slowed our rate of descent; we can take it off now"
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyWed Aug 19, 2020 7:34 am

The former president of Mexico, Vicente Fox, trolling Trump.

Vicente 20
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_Howard
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_Howard


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Aug 20, 2020 1:13 pm

Excellente!
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyWed Sep 09, 2020 2:14 pm

Q: What kind of ant do you find around red kettles?
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyMon Sep 14, 2020 1:45 pm

A friend of mine likes to send me bad puns. A lot of them I've heard before.

Yesterday he wrote me, "What has ears but can't see?"

I figured this was the old "a field of corn" joke, but he fluffed it by typing "but can't see" instead of "but can't hear."

So I replied, "Any blind person."

He noticed his mistake and came back, "Oops, I meant 'but can't hear.'"

So I replied, "A deaf person."
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyTue Sep 15, 2020 1:27 pm

Just the punchlines:


  • "Thanks, but if three won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think a fourth will help."
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Sep 17, 2020 2:04 pm

Two nuns and the mother superior die in a car crash whilst on the way back from the church picnic. When they reach the Pearly gates they are stunned to see St Peter standing in front of closed gates. “Unfortunately I'll have to ask you a quick question about the Bible, just to see if you were paying attention”.

Turning to the first nun he says “now what was the name of the first man?” , “ADAM!” She shouts. “CORRECT, in you go!”.

Turning to the second nun he says “what was the name of the first woman?” , “EVE!” Comes the reply. “CORRECT, in you go!”.

Finally turning to the mother superior Saint Peter says “As you were in charge I hope you know a bit more. Now what were Eve's first word's when she met Adam?” Thinking for a minute, the mother superior mutters “Damn, that's a hard one…”. "CORRECT, in you go”.
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySat Oct 24, 2020 7:10 pm

Three nuns and the mother superior die in a car crash whilst on the way back from the church picnic.  When they reach the Pearly Gates they are stunned to see St Peter standing in front of closed gates. “Unfortunately I'll have to ask you a quick question before I let you into Paradise.”

Turning to the first nun he says, "Have you ever had sexual contact with a man?"

"Just once," she replies, blushing. "You know... with my hand."

"Okay, wash your hand in this basin of Holy Water, say three Hail Marys and go on in."  Turning to the second nun, he says, "Have you ever had sexual contact with a man?"

The nun turns red and stammers, "I let a man rub his, his thing against my hair once."

"Okay, wash your hair in this basin of Holy Water, say three Hail Marys and go on in."

With that, the third nun pushes ahead of the Mother Superior and says "Do me next.  If you think I'm gargling that Holy Water after she washes her bum in it, you're crazy."
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySat Dec 05, 2020 8:25 am

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"

The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:

"but you fuck one sheep..."
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySun Dec 13, 2020 9:43 am

Just Jokes  - Page 9 K-chro10
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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptySun Dec 20, 2020 5:54 pm

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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyThu Dec 24, 2020 2:26 pm

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere about 60 or so. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2015, manufactured September 16th, 14, teal Chevy Silverado HD 2500 Limited 4X4 .with 6.6 Duramax Diesel, with 5th wheel hitch, Edge 2400 5 level power chip, leather heated seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching BLACK hard folding cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with Super-slider hitch, and top of the line Prodigy brake controller. Pioneer AVS 2700 stereo with bluetooth,MP3, and CD/ DVD, and satellite reciever. Garmin Nuvi 4700 GPS navigation, satellite radio, and I added special XD series alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. It has custom running boards, and custom license plates ....
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER:Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyFri Dec 25, 2020 9:16 am

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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richard09

richard09


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Just Jokes  - Page 9 EmptyTue Feb 02, 2021 7:38 am

Just Jokes  - Page 9 Physic10
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