Car Talk Lame Joke of the Week

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LAME JOKE OF THE WEEK
A lawyer calls home to talk to his wife, and the maid answers the phone.

"Where's my wife?"

"She's upstairs in bed with another man."

"I'll pay you $100,000 and get you safely out of the country if you find my gun and kill them both. I'll stay on the line while you do it."

"I'll take care of it"

He hears two shots, then thump, thump, thump, thump, splash, thump, thump, thump, thump, splash.

The maid comes back to the phone, "I did it."

"What did you do?"

"I killed them both, and dumped their bodies in the pool."

"What pool? Is this 555-3624?"

What the hell?

100,000 dollars?

Cheapskate.
Stupid cheapskate.
Can't call his own number, OR, recognize the voice of the hired help as unfamiliar.

It's a JOKE, Lisa.

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Ron, an elderly man in Florida, owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and
lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

The woman replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," she replied. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The man is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," He blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I built a little still. How would you like a 151 Rum Mai Tai?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing after all his time alone. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a golf course?!"

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A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees' fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees' fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees' fan.""That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

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At Saint Mary's Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At a session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insights into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I think maybe I'm a-gonna go to get her."

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Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole—he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole—fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.

He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them grasps his heart and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend just died! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a pause, then the operator hears a shot.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

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A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop. "Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."

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A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The doctor hears this, thinks for a moment, then says, "Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."

I miss Car Talk. I just found two 5-hour compilations on YouTube, so I downloaded them and burned them to an MP3 CD-R. Now I can play them anytime I want in the car.