This week in Little Johnny’s English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?” The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”
Some of the older neighbourhood boys have been making fun of Little Johnny lately. There latest trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Johnny always takes the nickel and the older boys laugh at him. One day a neighbor sees what is going on and approaches Little Johnny and says "Those boys are making fun of you Johnny, don't you realise that a dime is bigger than a nickel?" Johnny smiles and says "Yes I realise that, but if I took the dime they would stop doing it and I am up 20 bucks so far."
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
“That’s good to know,” says Johnny, very relieved. “Because I haven’t done my homework.”
Little Johnny is back at school after the summer vacation. After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny's mother to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school. His mom says to the teacher "Hang on a minute. I had Johnny at home with me for 3 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved."
Little Johnny goes to a friend's house to see their new baby. The child is crying and screaming uncontrollably. He asked the parents where they got him from, and they reply, “Oh, we got him straight from heaven.” Johnny said, “Jeez. I see why they kicked him out.”
Johnny's English teacher asks the class, “Which tense is the sentence ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’?” Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”
Monday morning Johnny's teacher asks the class what they did over the weekend. Johnny raises his hand and says, "I was out riding my bike and ran into the mailman. I knocked him on his ass." The teacher says, "Now Johnny, we don't say 'ass' in school, it's not a polite word. If you have to refer to somebody's bottom use the word 'rectum' instead." Johnny replies, "Rectum? I fuck-near killed him."
Little Johnny's math teacher: “If you received ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?” Johnny: “A new bike”.
Teacher: "What is an island?" Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side." Teacher: "On one side?" Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “Yes I do,” said Johnny. “It means the fucking car won’t start.”
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
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