Courtesy of my friend Adrian:
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget:
Gas $10
Entertainment $0
Clothes $0
Groceries and alcohol $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance women are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one. Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what? Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for a friend…
I am putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ...
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for "seniors only". A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner…
Enjoy your day.
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