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richard09

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Apr 20, 2017 11:57 am

Robin Williams wrote:
Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish. Give it up.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:47 am

Merry Christmas!

A family is at the dinner table, when the son asks his father:
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriates his wife and daughter, and the daughter asks:
“Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says:
“Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu May 04, 2017 10:50 am

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

                   The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about a foot tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

                   “Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

                   So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

                   The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

                   A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

                   The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
                   The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 08, 2017 5:07 am

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was visiting her daughter and got lost.  She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.  I could walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in  the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take this short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said to him, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer replies, "Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

"Well," the old lady replied with a smirk, "Set the goose down and cover him with the bucket.  Put the can of paint on top of the bucket.  I'll hold the chickens."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 15, 2017 9:56 pm

A young lawyer was interviewing for a prestigious law firm. The HR person said, "We pride ourselves here at Peterson, Peterson and Baines in being totally ethical. Tell me, are you an honest lawyer?"

The young man brightened up and said, "Honest? Why, let me tell you how honest I am. My father lent me $15,000 for my legal education, and I paid him back every single cent after my very first case."

Impressed, the HR person asked, "What sort of case was that?"

The lawyer hesitated and squirmed. "Uh, my father sued me for the money."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 15, 2017 10:02 pm

Differences Between Men and Women
  • A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he wants. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item she does not want.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A woman marries a man expecting she can change him. A man marries a woman thinking she won't change -- but then she does.
  • Any married man should try to forget all his mistakes. There's no use two people remembering the same things!
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 15, 2017 10:25 pm

God made Adam, and saw that he was good. But after a while Adam, being all alone, told God that he was lonely.

"Well, I guess I could make you a woman to be your partner," said God. "She would be beautiful and loyal and clean and cook for you and look after your every need."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "Let's do it!"

God hesitated. "It's not so easy. It will be expensive. She will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment, then replied, "What can I get for a rib?"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 15, 2017 10:34 pm

A man is sitting at the bar of his favorite watering hole when a pirate walks in -- he has a hook on one arm, and a patch on one eye.

"Say," sez the fella, "you look like a pirate! How'd you get the hook on your arm?"

"I am proud to be a pirate," replies the salty old sailor. "One day I fell overboard and a shark bit off my hand."

"Bummer," says the man. "What about the eye patch?"

The pirate hesitated. "Oh, that was just a bit of seagull poop."

"Seagull poop? That caused you to lose your eye?" asked the patron incredulously.

"Well," says the pirate sheepishly, "it was the first day with my new hook."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon May 15, 2017 10:53 pm

Tom had been in the computer business for 25 years and finally got sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in rural Vermont, as far from humanity as he could find. Tom sees the postman once a week, and goes into town for groceries about once a month, but otherwise he's enjoying being completely alone and stress-free.

One day, about six months after moving to Vermont, he gets a knock on the door. On his porch stands a bearded woodsman in red flannel, carrying an axe and a shotgun. "Name's Enoch," he says. "Live over that ridge, about four miles away. Saw smoke from your chimney."

"Yes," says Tom, "I came out here for the solitude -- but after six months of this I could use some company. Glad to meet you, Enoch. My name's Tom."

"Well Tom," Enoch replies, "Why don't you come over to my place on Saturday? I'm having a party."

"Great! It'll be good to meet some local folks."

Enoch starts to leave, but stops at the door. "Gotta warn you, there may be some drinkin'."

"No problem," says Tom, "I've been known to tilt back a few myself."

Enoch hesitates at the door again. "There may be some fightin' too."

Tom scratches his head. "Okay, I'll try to stay out trouble and not antagonize anybody."

Enoch nods and grabs the door handle. "Oh, and there may be some wild sex."

Tom, now thoroughly confused, says, "Okay. I guess I could stand some of that after six months, too. I'll definitely be there Saturday. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Anything you want," says Enoch, exiting through the door. "It'll just be the two of us."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue May 16, 2017 10:39 am

Two patrons are sitting side-by-side at the neighborhood bar. One says, "Hey, you're Irish, aren't you? I'd recognize that accent anywhere!"

Second man says, "Of course I'm Irish! Born and bred in Dublin."

"Dublin?" says the 1st. "Saints alive, I'm from Dublin myself. Let me buy you another round. What part of Dublin?"

"Aye, the south," says the astonished man, accepting a fresh beer.

"The south, you say?," comes the reply. "My family's from the south of Dublin too."

"Whoa," says the second man, "That means the next round is on me. Barkeep? Keep 'em comin'. Say, what street did you say you're from?"

"Why, Killarney Street," says he.

"No kidding? What are the chances? *I* grew up on Killarney Street myself!!!"

At this point the barkeep takes their beers away and says, "That's it, gentlemen -- you're cut off again. You Murphy twins have had enough for tonight."

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue May 16, 2017 11:22 am

Two engineers meet for their regular lunch. One of them rides up on a new bicycle. "Nice bike, Mike! How much did that set you back?"

"It was free!," exclaims Mike. "Yesterday I was reading in the park and a beautiful girl rode up on it. We talked for a bit, and then she stood up and took off all her clothes. Told me I could have anything I wanted."

"Smart move," says the first engineer. "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue May 16, 2017 2:30 pm

A husband and wife are about to take a shower when the doorbell rings. Actually, the husband had already stepped under the water. So the wife says, "It's OK, I'm not wet yet, I'll go". So she wraps a towel around herself and trots downstairs to the door. She recognizes the guy there as a friend of her husband, so she opens the door and says hi. The guy is obviously a bit taken aback at seeing her in the towel, and hesitates for a few seconds, wide-eyed. Then he blurts out "I'll give you $800 if you drop the towel!". Well, that startles the wife, but after a little thought, she drops the towel, and lets him have a good look at her naked. And true to his word, he hands her $800 and leaves.

So back upstairs to the husband. As she gets in the shower with him, he asks who was at the door. "It was just your friend Jeff". "Oh great! Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?".
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jun 02, 2017 7:07 am

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say:
''It could have been worse.''
His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could find a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends turned up for a golf date.
''Where's Gary?'' asked Joe.
''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
''Well, it could have been worse,'' Joe said.
''How in Hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jun 09, 2017 5:24 am

If I still drove, I think I would have to get a dashcam, just in case.

Best dashcam footage ever
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jun 09, 2017 7:36 am

Your chances of catching something that good are nil.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:36 am

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:53 pm

Well if we're doing tired old blonde jokes:

Blonde calls up AAA, says "I locked my keys in my car.  Can you come open the door for me pretty please?"

"Sure," says the dispatcher, "I should have a driver in your area within the half hour."

"Oooh," sez Blondie, "can't you make it any quicker than that?  It's starting to rain and I left the top down."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jul 07, 2017 6:04 pm

Consider poor Dave. Dave had three gorgeous girlfriends, and couldn't decide which one to marry.

Finally he decided to give them a test. He gave each of them $5000 to see how thrifty and money-savvy they were.

Girlfriend #1 goes out and gets a total makeover: new clothes, new hairdo, pedicure, manicure, bikini wax, face peel, the works. "Dave, my love," she says, "I spent all the money so you could have the best looking girlfriend imaginable. I do it all for you Dave."

Girlfriend #2 buys new golf clubs, a CD player, a big-screen TV and a stereo and gives them to Dave. "Honey, I don't need anything so I used your gift to buy things for the man I love, that's you Dave. Enjoy."

Girlfriend #3 takes the five thousand dollars and invests it in the stock market. In short order she makes enough to repay Dave his original $5000 with interest, while maintaining a tidy nest egg for herself. "We'll be able to have a secure future, Dave, because our money is working for us. I can't wait to start our future together Dave."

Dave thinks long and hard about his decision about whom to marry, and which girlfriend made the best use of his $5000. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:37 am

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on she went. Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched, with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist then turned to the husband and said: "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play bridge on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Aug 12, 2017 8:35 am

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:04 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:22 pm

Looks suspicious. In this Era of Trump (EoT) I don't trust everything I read.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:31 pm

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Aug 17, 2017 6:30 am

Paddy from Derrynane in Ireland had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they had each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said:
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya f¤%¤# idiot!"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Aug 17, 2017 6:53 am

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"
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