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 Just Jokes

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NoCoPilot

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue May 01, 2018 1:45 pm


A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit.”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed May 09, 2018 3:38 pm


Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Sure. Pick a night."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat May 19, 2018 7:04 pm

Barnum Bros. had to discontinue the Human Cannonball feature after Rocco retired.

They just couldn’t find anyone else of the right caliber.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu May 24, 2018 2:24 pm

This was right-side up on my iPad. Odd.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Jun 03, 2018 6:45 pm

A man shows up at the hospital with a big bleeding dent in his skull. "Got hit with a nine-iron," he told the EMT.

"Golfing accident?" the nurse asked.

"Sort of," said the man. "I was behind this foursome of women, and one of them kept shanking her balls into the woods. She said, 'I don't know why I took those stupid fucking lessons.' "

I of course piped up and said, "Yes, golf lessons probably would have been more helpful."

"That's when she hit me with her 9-iron."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Jun 04, 2018 12:54 pm

Golf lessons would have been more helpful. She used the wrong club - a driver would have been more effective.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Jun 08, 2018 10:22 am

Supposedly true, from The Week.

An Alaskan bank robbery suspect left behind a big clue to his identity last week, handing a teller a holdup note written on the back of a welfare application form that listed his name and birth date. But police didn’t need that evidence to help track down alleged robber Michael Gale Nash. “He was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said an FBI spokeswoman. “This is probably the quickest [apprehension] in recent history.”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Jun 10, 2018 8:57 pm

Kenny Troutt, the owner of Triple Crown winning horse Justify, was invited to the White House, but turned it down.

When asked why, he replied, "If I wanted to see a horse's ass I would've finished second."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:14 am

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say something like that? Why do you hate Vietnamese people?”

To which the Jewish man replies, “Because you bombed Pearl Harbor!”

The Vietnamese man goes, “You idiot! That wasn’t the Vietnamese, that was the Japanese!”

To which the Jewish man shrugs and says, “Vietnamese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

Stunned, the Vietnamese man says, “Yeah, well I hate all you Jewish people!”

To which the Jewish man replies in great indignation, “That’s anti-Semitic! Why would you hate all Jewish people?”

And the Vietnamese man says, “Because you sank the Titanic!”

“You idiot,” bawls the Jewish man, “That was an iceberg!”

To which the Vietnamese man replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:38 pm

Help me write a joke. I've been unable to come up with a good setup.

The punchline is "Academia Nuts."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue Jun 19, 2018 9:35 pm

A farmer buys a rooster for his chicken farm, and is amazed to see the rooster service every one of his 150 hens in the first couple hours. He comes back out after lunch and finds the rooster at it again, servicing his hens again. That night, as he locking up for the night, he sees the rooster copulating with all the ducks and geese down in the pond.

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds the rooster laying motionless in the yard. “He’s done it,” he says to himself, “fucked himself into an early grave.” He notices a couple of vultures circling the yard. He goes over to nudge the rooster with his boot and see if he’s still alive.

“Shush,” cries the rooster. “They’re getting lower.”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:16 pm



A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerio's.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerio's!"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:40 pm

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Aug 01, 2018 11:21 am


The Flying Chicken (TRUE STORY)

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW. THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO

"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Aug 01, 2018 8:54 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:36 pm

That's going to leave a scar.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Aug 04, 2018 1:31 pm


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:05 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:57 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Nov 14, 2018 4:08 pm


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum,
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital
and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:22 pm

A redneck guy goes into a Muslim book store and asks: "Do you have the latest book by President Trump?".

The shopkeeper responds angrily: "Fuck you! Get out of my store, and never come back!".

The guy says "Yeah, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?".
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:37 am

Guy sees a display of batteries in a store, marked "Free Batteries."

He asks the shopkeeper, "Why are those batteries over there free?"

Shopkeeper replies: "No charge."
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