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 Just Jokes

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_Howard
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Oct 26, 2017 11:31 am

I don't understand what's funny about this one.

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:48 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:09 am

Seen on Facebook:

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria - at a mental hospital.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Nov 05, 2017 8:23 am

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Nov 06, 2017 7:44 am

Car Talk Lame Joke of the Week

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the NPR weather report in Minneapolis. "There will be three to five inches of snow today so the plows will be out. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

Ole gets up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

The next morning again they're both sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecaster says, "There will be eight to ten inches of snow today so the plows will be out again. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."

Ole sets his coffee down and says, "Jeez, OK."

Next morning, there they are with their cups of coffee and the weather forecaster says, "There will be another six to eight inches of snow today and ..." and the power went out.

He turns to Lena and says, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

"Aw hon," Lena replies, "ya know ya could just leave the car in the garage."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:53 am

Three Scots and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scots buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scots.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats, but all three Scots cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scots cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says:

"Ticket please."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:17 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:26 pm

Paywall
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:31 pm

In golf, the truth is in the putting.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue Nov 21, 2017 9:05 am

Can't believe Charles Manson died before Trump could give him a cabinet position
@laurenduca
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:41 pm

Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?



A: Someone who points out the obvious.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:47 pm

Why did the blind man give up skydiving?

Because it scared his dog too much.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:31 pm

There's a story, possibly apocryphal that Trump met a psychic last week. She told him that he would die on a national holiday.
He asked, "Which one?"
She said, "Doesn't matter. The day you die, it will be a national holiday."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Dec 22, 2017 10:09 am


A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ....There's no money in that account!'

'''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"

--Not All Seniors Are Senile...


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:41 pm

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was designed to be suitable for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He approached and cleared his throat.

The girls all screamed and went to the far end end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond.”

Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

--Not All Seniors Are Senile...
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Fri Dec 29, 2017 2:59 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:34 pm

Ten year old boy hears "bang bang bang" coming from his parents' bedroom, like the headboard is hitting the wall. He opens the door and yells, "What's going on in here?"

His dad, red-faced and lying on top of his mother, wheezes, "Nothing, we're just having a bit of fun. Now go back to bed Bobby."

A few minutes later Dad is laying in bed, resting, and he hears "bang bang bang" coming from Bobby's room. He walks down the hall and opens the door.

Bobby is laying on top of grandma, giving her the high hard one. "What the hell is going on here?" he yells.

"Not so much fun when it's YOUR mother, is it Dad?" says Bobby.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:45 pm

A Polack, an Irishman and a Jew are waiting on Death Row. They're lined up in the waiting room outside the electric chair.

The Jew is called in first and is strapped into the chair. "Any last words?" says the warden. "I'm innocent, as God is my witness!" says the Jew. Warden throws the switch and nothing happens.

"Wow," says the warden. "Billion-to-one chance. You must really be innocent. You're free to go."

The Irishman is called in next, "Any last words?"

"What I did I did to save the children. I'd do it all over again!" says the Irishman. Warden throws the switch.

Again nothing happens.

"Holy cow," says the warden. "This is a ten billion-to-one coincidence. You must have God on your side too." Lets him go.

Last, the Polack is called in. "Any last words?"

"Yeah. How come the chair isn't plugged in?"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:48 am

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

     Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

     "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

     "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

     "I can't," said the biker.

     "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."

     The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

     A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the

    motorcyclist.

     It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:48 am

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

"Windows frozen, won’t open."

Husband texts back: "Gently, pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now."
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:57 pm

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Jan 28, 2018 11:57 am

A broker opened the door of his Mercedes, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene of accident, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his expensive Mercedes.

“Police Officer, look what he has done to my car!”, he whiningly said.

“You brokers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid Mercedes, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Damn it…” replied the broker, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,

“Where’s my Rolex?”
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:40 pm

Tiger Woods walks into one of Donald Trump's golf courses and asks for a tee time.

The guy behind the counter looks up and says "I don't mean to be rude, but you know, this is a PRIVATE club, you know, for MEMBERS ONLY. Tell ya what though, there's a public golf course just a 2 iron up the road, and you'll be allowed to play there."

Visibly upset, Tiger yells "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ????"

The clerk replies "I'm sorry sir, I really don't."

"I am TIGER WOODS!"

The startled clerk swallows and says, "You are??? Well why the heck didn't you say so? In that case the other course is just a pitching wedge up the road!"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Mon Feb 05, 2018 6:02 pm

A gentleman was going toward a bar when a nun accosted him on his way in. She yelled "Before you enter that den of iniquity think of your mother and your father!" The man answered defensively, "My mother and father are deceased, Sister."

The nun yelled "Then think of your wife and daughter! The shame you'll...." "I'm not married," replied the man.

"Then think of what drink will do to your liver and your kidneys, to your mental health and your social status!" By this time the man was getting quite irritated. He yelled back "Pardon me, but what the hell do you know about drink? Have you ever even tried alcohol?"

The nun shook her head vehemently and answered "Never!"

That gave the man a clever idea. "I'll tell you what", he said, "I'm going to go in there and buy you a drink and bring it out, and after you've tasted it," he said, "then you can preach to me all you want."

The nun thought a moment and said, "Okay. I guess that's fair. Bring me a drink... but... but... can you get it in a paper cup so it won't be very obvious?" The man agreed "Very well, I'll be right back." He went into the bar, walked up to the bartender and said "Give me a shot of Scotch and shot of vodka in a paper cup." The bartender said "Is that goddamn Sister Eloise out front again?"
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes    Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:12 am

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

The bartender replies, "Rustling."
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